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Ever feel depressed? Are you experiencing panic attacks, anxiety or other feelings of overwhelming sadness? Have you lost someone close
to you and haven't known how to grieve over your loss?
These factors are all
included in the realm of "mental illness." Most people do not realize that feeling depressed over a long period of time is considered to be "mental illness." The same goes with anxiety and panic attacks.
What about your own personal fears?
Do you find yourself living a different life than you would like because of your fears? These factors all have a bearing on
your mental health. Read about what happens when parents are experiencing a mental illness themselves and they might not even
realize it!
Mental Health & Growing Up, Third Edition
Parental mental
illness
What is mental illness?
It's estimated that mental
illness will affect 1 in 4 of us at some time in our lives. When a person is mentally healthy they feel good about themselves; they can do everyday things easily, like going to school or work & enjoying their hobbies & friends.
Even when things go wrong
they can usually sort it out themselves, although it may be hard for them. When someone becomes mentally ill, they may find
everyday things very difficult to do & they may feel confused & upset a lot of the time.
They may do things that seem normal
to them, but to other people watching they may seem strange.
Children who have a parent with mental illness
Many children will grow up
with a parent who, at some point, will have a mental illness. Most of these parents will have mild or short-lived illnesses
& will usually be treated by their general practitioner.
Many more children live
with a parent who has a long-term problem, such as alcohol or drug dependency, personality disorder or long-standing depression.
Difficulties for children
Children often cope well
when a parent is ill for a short time. It's easier for them if they can understand why their parent has become unwell. It's
important that things are explained to them, rather than being secretive about the problem.
Children do find it difficult
to cope when the problem is more long term. For many children in this situation, problems can arise if they:
- are separated again & again from a parent who
needs to go into hospital for treatment
- feel unsure of their relationship with the parent
with a mental illness
- aren't being looked after properly
- are being hit or mistreated (this
is more likely if the parent suffers from alcohol or drug dependence or has a disturbed personality)
- are having to look after a sick parent, or are taking care
of brothers & sisters
- are upset, frightened, worried by or ashamed of their parent's
illness or behavior
- are being teased or bullied by others
- hear unkind things being said about their sick parent.
Problems that children may develop
Some children
withdraw into themselves, become anxious & find it difficult to concentrate on their school work. They may find it very difficult to talk about their parent's
illness or their problems at home, which may stop them from getting help.
Children are
often ashamed of their parent's illness & worry about becoming ill themselves.
Some children are more at
risk of developing a mental illness themselves, particularly if they have:
- been abused or neglected
- seen a lot of arguments/violence between their parents
- had parents who have separated or divorced
- had a parent who misuses alcohol or drugs
- suffered from poverty, poor housing & instability during
childhood.
Where can I get help?
There are some steps that
can be taken to try & help avoid these problems & to make the child's life easier. For example:
- having a reliable, consistent & caring parent or other
adult around
- being given information & explanation about their parent's
illness
- it's important for parents & teachers to be aware of the
possible stresses on the child with a sick parent & to recognize that a child's difficult behavior may be a cry for help
- your general practitioner & social worker can help with
support & practical help for the family in caring for the child & in giving advice from social services if there are
- problems that are harming the child's health or development
When a child or young person
has behavioral problems that interfere with their life & that don't seem to be improving, more specialist help may be
needed.
The general practitioner will
be able to advise about local services & to refer a young person, if necessary, to the local child & adolescent mental
health service. This service usually includes child & adolescent psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, nurses
& social workers.
A child may really value
the chance to talk about their parent's illness, and their fears, with a professional who is familiar with these things. They
may also need help in overcoming their own emotional & behavioral problems.
References
- Carr, A. (ed.) (2000) 'What Works with Children and Adolescents?' - A Critical Review of Psychological Interventions
with Children, Adolescents and their Families. London: Brunner-Routledge.
- Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2002) 'Child and Adolescent Psychiatry' (4th edn). London: Blackwell.
- Scott, A., Shaw, M. & Joughin, C. (eds) (2001) 'Finding the Evidence' - A Gateway to the Literature in
Child and Adolescent Mental Health (2nd edn). London: Gaskell.
   Children
And Divorce
No. 1; Updated July 2004
One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many
divorcing families include children. Parents who are getting a divorce are frequently worried about the effect the divorce
will have on their children. During this difficult period, parents may be preoccupied with their own problems, but continue
to be the most important people in their children's lives.
While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce,
children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security. Some parents feel so hurt or overwhelmed
by the divorce that they may turn to the child for comfort or direction. Divorce can be misinterpreted by children unless
parents tell them what is happening, how they are involved and not involved and what will happen to them.
Children often believe they have caused the conflict between
their mother and father. Many children assume the responsibility for bringing their parents back together, sometimes by sacrificing
themselves. Vulnerability to both physical and mental illnesses can originate in the traumatic loss of one or both parents
through divorce. With care and attention, however, a family's strengths can be mobilized during a divorce, and children can
be helped to deal constructively with the resolution of parental conflict.
Talking to children about a divorce is difficult. The following
tips can help both the child and parents with the challenge and stress of these conversations:
- Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.
- Tell your child together.
- Keep things simple and straight-forward.
- Tell them the divorce is not their fault.
- Admit that this will be sad and upsetting for everyone.
- Reassure your child that you both still love them and will
always be their parents.
- Do not discuss each other’s faults or problems with the
child.
Parents should be alert to signs of distress in their child
or children. Young children may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or withdrawing. Older children
may feel deep sadness and loss. Their schoolwork may suffer and behavior problems are common. As teenagers and adults, children
of divorce can have trouble with their own relationships and experience problems with self-esteem.
Children will do best if they know that their mother and father
will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won't live together.
Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to "choose" sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to
the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.
Parents' ongoing commitment to the child's well-being is vital.
If a child shows signs of distress, the family doctor or pediatrician can refer the parents to a child and adolescent psychiatrist
for evaluation and treatment. In addition, the child and adolescent psychiatrist can meet with the parents to help them learn
how to make the strain of the divorce easier on the entire family. Psychotherapy for the children of a divorce, and the divorcing
parents, can be helpful.
source: aacap
Stepfamily
Problems
No. 27; Updated July 2004
With the high incidence of divorce and changing patterns of
families in the United States, there are increasing numbers of stepfamilies. New stepfamilies face many challenges. As with
any achievement, developing good stepfamily relationships requires a lot of effort. Stepfamily members have each experienced
losses and face complicated adjustments to the new family situation.
When a stepfamily is formed, the members have no shared family
histories or shared ways of doing things, and they may have very different beliefs. In addition, a child may feel torn between
the parent they live with most (more) of the time and their other parent who they visit (e.g. lives somewhere else). Also,
newly married couples may not have had much time together to adjust to their new relationship.
The members of the new blended family need to build strong bonds
among themselves through:
- acknowledging and mourning their losses
- developing new skills in making decisions as a family
- fostering and strengthening new relationships between: parents,
stepparent and stepchild, and stepsiblings
- supporting one another; and
- maintaining and nurturing original parent-child relationships
While facing these issues may be difficult, most stepfamilies
do work out their problems. Stepfamilies often use grandparents (or other family), clergy, support groups, and other community-based
programs to help with the adjustments.
Parents should consider a psychiatric evaluation for their child
when they exhibit strong feelings of being:
- alone dealing with the losses
- torn between two parents or two households
- excluded
- isolated by feelings of guilt and anger
- unsure about what is right
- very uncomfortable with any member of the original family or
stepfamily
In addition, if parents observe that the following signs are
lasting or persistent, then they should consider a psychiatric evaluation for the child/family:
- child vents/directs anger upon a particular family member or
openly resents a stepparent or parent
- one of the parents suffers from great stress and is unable
to help with the child's increased need
- a stepparent or parent openly favors one of the children
- discipline of a child is only left to the parent rather than
involving both the stepparent and parent
- frequent crying or withdrawal by the child; or
- members of the family derive no enjoyment from usual pleasurable
activities (i.e. learning, going to school, working, playing or being with friends and family)
Child and adolescent psychiatrists are trained and skilled at
providing comprehensive psychiatric evaluations of both the child and family if serious problems develop.
Most stepfamilies,
when given the necessary time to work on developing their own traditions and to form new relationships, can provide emotionally
rich and lasting relationships for the adults, and help the children develop the self-esteem and strength to enjoy the challenges
of life.
source: aacap
Breaking The Cycle
Dr. Myriam Miedzian on Violence
reprinted from Sesame Street Parents; July-August 1994
Myriam Miedzian, Ph.D., is a founding board member of Prepare Tomorrow’s Parents She is a social philosopher, professor & the author of Boys Will Be Boys; Breaking
the Link Between Masculinity & Violence (Anchor Books).
The United
States is suffering through an epidemic of violence. Our government's response
to this crisis is to build more prisons and hire more police officers. But what about prevention? Isn't there anything
we can do to stop today's toddler from becoming tomorrow's rapist or murderer?
Yes, there is. One step we can take is to introduce child-rearing classes into schools.
Social science research reveals that huge numbers of children today grow up in family situations that predispose
them to violent behavior later in life. These youngsters are battered, experience weak bonding with caregivers, lack parental
supervision, or have parents who fail to reinforce prosocial behavior.
Boys are at much higher risk of growing up to be violent than girls are: About 90 percent of violent crimes
are committed by males. The risk is further increased if a boy grows up without an involved, nonviolent, responsible father.
And although most single mothers succeed, often heroically, in raising decent sons, their task is extremely difficult. The
1991 FBI Uniform Crime Reports cites studies suggesting that as many as 70 percent of juvenile offenders grow up in
single-parent homes.
Mandatory child-rearing classes can help solve these problems. By making both boys and girls aware of the importance
and complexity of child-rearing, classes could bring down teenage pregnancy rates, reduce the number of deadbeat dads, and
promote caring, responsible mothering and fathering.
Some people object, claiming that child-rearing cannot be taught. But in light of our nation's high rates of
child abuse, neglect, and abandonment, this myth urgently needs to be examined. After all, one of our society's deep-seated
assumptions is that teaching a skill in school is the best way for a child to learn it. Isn't it strange that the most important
and difficult task that so many people fact -- raising children -- goes untaught?
Critics also question whether boys will have any interest in child-rearing classes. It is true that by the time
they reach first grade, many boys have decided that babies are "girls' stuff." Yet when I sat in on child-rearing classes
I found that boys from a variety of school settings, including inner city and suburban, were every bit as interested as the
girls in learning about and interacting with babies and toddlers.
I visited one elementary-school program that is built around monthly class visits from mature parents and their
child. The child's development is watched over time and noted on a chart. By keeping workbooks, students sharpen their powers
of observations, psychological insight, and sensitivity.
As students talk with the parents, they gain a deeper appreciation of child-rearing. They might hear a baby's
parents explain, "We haven't slept through he night since she was born because she has to be fed every three hours," or "We
haven't gone out since he was born because we can't afford a baby-sitter."
One goal of this program is to teach non-violent ways to discipline children, thereby discouraging child battering.
Teachers provide students with information about the psychological and physical needs of children at various ages.
As a result, girls and boys begin to see raising a child as a demanding, important responsibility. They become
strongly inclined to delay parenthood until they are financially and emotionally ready. Because girls as young as age 12 are
getting pregnant, it is important that these classes be introduced no later than fifth grade, then repeated as child development
classes in high school.
The startup cost of such a program is less than $100 per student, a tiny amount compared with the cost of supporting
a teenager and her children, putting an abused child in foster care, or imprisoning a violent criminal.
I urge parents, educators, and legislators concerned with child abuse and violent crime to work for the introduction
of mandatory child-rearing classes in all our schools.
source: the parenting project
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Children Of Alcoholics
No. 17; Updated November 2002
One in five adult Americans lived with an alcoholic while growing
up. Child and adolescent psychiatrists know these children are at greater risk for having emotional problems than children
whose parents are not alcoholics. Alcoholism runs in families, and children of alcoholics are four times more likely
than other children to become alcoholics. Most children of alcoholics have experienced some form of neglect or abuse.
A child in such a family may have a variety of problems:
- Guilt. The child may see himself or herself
as the main cause of the mother's or father's drinking.
- Anxiety. The child may worry constantly
about the situation at home. He or she may fear the alcoholic parent will become sick or injured, and may also fear
fights and violence between the parents.
- Embarrassment. Parents may give the
child the message that there is a terrible secret at home. The ashamed child does not invite friends home and is afraid
to ask anyone for help.
- Inability to have close relationships.
Because the child has been disappointed by the drinking parent many times, he or she often does not trust others.
- Confusion. The alcoholic parent will
change suddenly from being loving to angry, regardless of the child's behavior. A regular daily schedule, which
is very important for a child, does not exist because bedtimes and mealtimes are constantly changing.
- Anger. The child feels anger at the
alcoholic parent for drinking, and may be angry at the non-alcoholic parent for lack of support and protection.
- Depression. The child feels lonely
and helpless to change the situation.
Although the child tries to keep the alcoholism a secret, teachers,
relatives, other adults, or friends may sense that something is wrong. Child and adolescent psychiatrists advise that
the following behaviors may signal a drinking or other problem at home:
- Failure in school; truancy
- Lack of friends; withdrawal from classmates
- Delinquent behavior, such as stealing or violence
- Frequent physical complaints, such as headaches or stomachaches
- Abuse of drugs or alcohol; or
- Aggression towards other children
- Risk taking behaviors
- Depression or suicidal thoughts or behavior
Some children of alcoholics may act like responsible "parents"
within the family and among friends. They may cope with the alcoholism by becoming controlled, successful "overachievers"
throughout school, and at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers. Their emotional problems
may show only when they become adults.
Whether or not their parents are receiving treatment for alcoholism,
these children and adolescents can benefit from educational programs and mutual-help groups such as programs for children
of alcoholics, Al-Anon, and Alateen. Early professional help is also important in preventing more serious problems for the
child, including alcoholism. Child and adolescent psychiatrists can diagnose and treat problems in children of alcoholics.
They can also help the child to understand they are not responsible for the drinking problems of their parents.
The treatment program may include group therapy with other youngsters,
which reduces the isolation of being a child of an alcoholic. The child and adolescent psychiatrist will often work
with the entire family, particularly when the alcoholic parent has stopped drinking, to help them develop healthier ways of
relating to one another.
source: aacap
Poor Parenting Skills Can Be A Choice
June 23, 2004
by Tony Zizza
There has been an awful lot of news coverage lately concerning
the drugging of our children with psychotropic drugs and antidepressants. If I were to say, "It's about time!", it would be
a gigantic understatement.
New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has filed a lawsuit
against GlaxoSmithKline, the maker of the antidepressant Paxil. Fathers like Chad Taylor of New Mexico are standing up to
the Department of Children, Youth and Families who want him charged with child abuse and neglect for refusing to continue
feeding his son Ritalin. And concerned citizens everywhere are shaking their heads at yet another government study that allegedly
shows depressed teens do better with Prozac than with talk therapy alone.
There is a growing tide, a backlash if you will, aimed at those
who believe psychotropic drugs and antidepressants are the answer for all that ails us and our children. Much like the O.J.
Simpson murder trial a decade ago, the problem is not a lack of evidence. The problem is one of execution. That is, if we
all were willing to look at the mountains of evidence pointing to the horrific dangers of psychotropic drugs and antidepressants,
we would become very ashamed we feed our children and ourselves these poisons. We would have to look at ourselves for the
solution to our problems and those of our children.
But I am not so sure this is going to happen anytime soon. Why?
There is no responsibility, remorse or shame left in our culture. Poor parenting skills seem to be a choice too many parents
are making.
Of all the articles, protests, opinions and the like bemoaning
the our magic pill society, I think syndicated columnist Kathleen Parker said it best in her June 6th column, "Depressed and
Dosed In the Absence of Time."
She correctly scoffed at the study of 439 youths that allegedly
showed children do better with Prozac than with just talk therapy.
We are right to put a lot of blame on the mental health profession
and the pharaceutical industry for selling and marketing depression and its drugs. The huge rises in the amount of drugs sold
and children diagnosed with depression significant enough to warrant Prozac and other goodies is evidence alone our children
are under siege.
Nonetheless, we as parents can fight back, be responsible, use
common sense, and understand Kathleen Parker is right when she says one of the problems is many parents "don't want to take
the time" to even engage our children or see talk therapy through. She notes a psychiatry professor, and this goes for a lot
of people, who said in effect it's hard to get people into talk therapy.
It's only hard because we want a quick fix. We want closure
before simple discussions about problems have even started. Dangerous psychotropic drugs and antidepressants are fed to our
children who live by their credo they "have problems", but don't dare, along with their parents, to try and define "what"
the problems are. Just might be - attitude. I shudder to think how many parents have chosen Prozac or Paxil as a buffer to
their children's attitude problem because they just don't have time or the temerity to make their children do the unthinkable
- open up.
In all of this, everything always comes back to doing good,
and "First, do no harm."
We as parents must give a 100 percent effort, and demand no
less from our children.
It's time to start improving our parenting skills from within.
Stop allowing the pharmaceutical companies with their magic pills, brochures and videos to do what we alone must do - raise
our children.
Zizza writes frequently about parenting and mental health
issues. He serves as Vice President/Georgia of Parents For Label and Drug Free Education. Zizza also serves as an Advisor to the Alliance to Stop the Influence of Psychiatry in Religion and Education. Email comments to him at: tz777@yahoo.com
source: ifeminists.com
Choose how you parent.
Are you concerned about your parenting skills? If
so, there are things you can do.
Parenting skills are generally learned through our
early life experiences with our own caregivers. The process is called “role modeling”. In most instances the role model is mom and dad, but in many other instances, this could be a grandparent, foster parent, friend of the family or other guardian. Throughout these
early life experiences most persons learn healthy and adaptive
ways to raise children.
However, for some, their own upbringing may have
included issues arising out of violence, abuse, neglect or other forms of dysfunction that interfere with their own ability to parent today.
Given poor experiences from one’s past, it
can be a challenge for some persons to parent in such a
way so as not to re-create the familiar. In other words,
it can be difficult to parent differently from how you were parented so what happened to you doesn’t happen to your children.
Some persons who have had poor childhood experiences are concerned about their parenting skills. Even some persons with good
childhood experiences have concerns too. The road to better
parenting or parenting differently from what you experienced
begins with the process of self-discovery.
If in your past, you had experiences related to abuse, violence, neglect or other forms of family dysfunction or you are just concerned,
consider consulting a social worker or finding books pertaining
to your childhood experience to learn how your early experiences
can affect adult life and your parenting.
Talking with a social worker or reading books helps to hold a mirror to oneself to more fully and deeply examine where
we come from to determine who we are and how we act. With this deeper understanding of our self, we are then better equipped to recognize how what we learned may affect our current parenting behaviour.
Then we are able to contrast our behaviour with what children really need for healthy development. If there is a discrepancy between what we now realize we are doing and what is actually best for children,
there are steps we can take to improve matters.
The next steps involve shedding the old patterns
of parenting behaviours in favour of adopting new parenting skills. Even though we may not like our past experiences, they are familiar and in a sense, comfortable. As such we need reminders, support and
information both for what not to do but also for help with
what to do.
Strategies to help be a better parent can come in several different forms and include everything from reading books, to notes on
the refrigerator door, to counseling, to support groups,
to parenting classes.
Along the way, you may want to consider adopting
a new role model. If your role models weren’t healthy,
think of someone else, whose parenting abilities you admire. This could be a friend’s parent, a fictional character from a book or even a television personality. The objective here is to pick someone who you know parents well. Then, when you are stuck
and wonder what to do, you can think of what that person
would do in your situation.
This is a nice way to take care of yourself and your children. Choose your role model and how you want to parent
to be the kind of parent your child would choose.
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW source
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