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communicating

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welcome to parenting teens 101!

A not for profit network of self-help websites.

Welcome! I hope I can help you find what you're looking for! Anytime you see an underlined word in a different color you're being offered an opportunity to learn more than what you came here for. It's important to understand the true meanings of your emotions and feelings as well as many other topics that are within this network. This entire network is set up to help those who want to help themselves find a sense of peace in their lives - discover who resides within and recover from whatever life has dealt you. Clicking on the underlined link words will open a new window so whatever page you began on will remain waiting for you to get back to it!

 

If you can't find what you're looking for here, scroll down to see an entire menu of what is offered within the emotional feelings network of sites! 

 

kathleen

kids communicating with each other and adults

communicating

Communicating: PARENT COMMUNICATION. Making changes in your communication style or speaking habits, if necessary, can be tough, but will improve your teenager’s ability to listen.
 
Not effective and likely to reap negative returns:
  • preaching
  • sarcasm in correcting behavior
  • ridicule
  • put-downs
  • yelling and screaming
  • comparing the teen’s behavior with more successful peers
  • not being able to admit when you are wrong or say you are sorry. (this paragraph only source site)
There are other resources for information concerning communication skills in other sites within the emotional feelings network of sites. I highly recommend traveling over to the teenscene site to see what's on the teen pages for learning communication skills.
 
Then you can click here to travel over to "the layer down under that" to read more about communication skills. It's all different information to view. I wish you well with your journey in parenting teenagers. I've found that it's so helpful to conquer the communication barriers. Things go much smoother when there's an honest effort on the teenagers' parts and the parents' side to make things easier for everyone.

visit the new site: nurture 101!!!!

There's a new site in the network! I am almost finished completing each page, but I can't wait anymore to tell you all about it! Please pay it a visit soon! It's an important topic!

 

nuture 101

 

 read my personal blog about living with emotional feelings!

 

http://livingwithemotionalfeelings.blogspot.com/

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You MUST go to teenscene and read the articles there about communication between teens and parents. It's truly insightful and useful information!
 
click here to go there now!

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My Teen Won’t Talk to Me
By T. Suzanne Eller
Guest Writer

CBN.comI laughed as I read the cartoon. A mother stood behind her teenage son and ran a can opener over his head and glanced inside. When he turned to her with an annoyed expression, she threw up her hands and said, “I just wanted to see what you’re thinking!”

It’s probably no laughing matter if you can relate. It’s hard when a parent attempts to initiate conversation or offer guidance and is rejected by their teen. It’s even more frustrating when you are unsure of the reason.

I hear teens say all the time that they’d give anything to talk openly with their parents. At the same time I minister to parents of teens who sincerely long to break down the walls of miscommunication. Recently I asked hundreds of teens to share openly about the things that close the door to family communication.

Teens opened up because the topic is important to them. Parents are the most important people in their lives. They are the greatest influence - whether positive or negative. Teens said that they are not content with “how’s your day?” or “turn down that music!”. They want and need more, but often are frustrated.

These are a few of the roadblocks that teens say keep them from talking about the things that matter the most with the people they love the best:

#1: Labels

Teens are labeled every day. They are judged by their backgrounds, what they drive, what they wear and what they look like. With all of these characterizations, the last place they hope to find additional labels is in their own homes.

A few years back a father shared a story with me about a conflict with his daughter the night before. She was going out with friends and wore a shirt that left too little to the imagination. He ordered her to change the shirt. As she left the room he commented, “You look like a prostitute when you dress like that.” The father defended his comment by saying, “They were only words. My daughter knows I didn’t mean it. Beside she shouldn’t be wearing clothes like that.”

Contrary to this father’s opinion, his words were costly. He is the man that his daughter looks to for guidance and love. Her self-esteem is built on his actions and upon his words and she will see herself in the eyes of other men according to her father’s love or lack thereof. The words he spoke didn’t fit the situation or his daughter. They didn’t guide. They delved deep into the heart of who she was as a person.

How many times do we find ourselves saying, “you’re such a slob” or “you never do things right”. Salena, 18, said, “If their words are encouraging, I am happy. But if it’s negative it makes me feel like I’m the lowest thing on earth”. Labeling our teens only confuse the issue and create deeper problems.

#2: Fights are Always Ugly

Even in the healthiest relationships, people who love each other will disagree. But one 16-year-old teen, Eleanor, said that she and her parents fought nearly every day. “At least when we fight, I don’t have to let them get close to me,” she says.

Ouch. There is a difference between working through conflict and an ugly fight. Open warfare and petty bickering cause deep rifts between you and your teen, especially when nothing is resolved.

My son and I are both passionate. My temper simmers. His erupts. Not long ago, we experienced an unpleasant confrontation (translation: bad fight). We were both hurt and angry. The next day I asked if we could meet outside and talk about what happened.

We were both wary in the beginning. I let Ryan know that I loved him and that I deeply regretted the fight. He agreed. I told him that I wanted to hear what he had to say, but asked that he listen to my side as well. I promised that we would try to work together to come up with answers.

For the next hour we talked. I reaffirmed the positive things I saw in him, and there were many. He shared frustration over some things that were happening in his life. He was hurting because a friend had wounded him. I asked him to let me know when he was hurting so that I could pray for him and encourage him.

Before it was over, he gave me a huge hug and let me know that he loved me. The angry words from the day before dissipated as we sat on the tailgate of the truck and talked. It was the best fight we ever had.

Many parents are afraid that if they work through conflict instead of laying down the law they will lose their authority. Let me tell you something: When a parent is out of control and a relationship is brought to a low of screaming and fighting or physical force is used to make your teen bend to your will, you’ve lost your authority already. When you work through conflict with respect, hope, dignity and affirmation, chances are your teen will respond.

#3: My Parents Don’t Really Listen

Teens want to have a conversation, but they won’t attempt it unless they know that Mom or Dad is willing to listen. It’s frustrating when someone listens just long enough to jump in to try to fix it or to offer advice or a lecture, when all you want is a listening ear. Many times parents miss the real issue because they fail to listen to the end. They walk away thinking they’ve fixed the problem when they never really heard the heart of their teen.

Teens will often test a parent. They share enough to see your reaction. If you jump in with a three-point sermon on purity or a lecture on how it was in “your day”, you might as well put a no vacancies sign on your forehead. Your teen won’t be checking back in.

But what happens when you listen to the end? When you hear the heartbeat of your teen, the challenges he is facing, the emotions he’s battling. Then you are equipped to help your teen with the real problem. That is your moment to offer realistic guidance that will help your teen find his or her way.

#4: My Parent Will Freak Out

Karianne, 17, doesn’t talk to her parents because the reality might be too unsettling for them. “My parents know very little of what really goes on in my life. It’s not that I deliberately hide stuff from them because I’m scared of them finding out, but more because they would give lengthy lectures on how horrible the world is today. It’s not like I am trying to be sneaky or underhanded; it’s just easier this way.”

How does the Christian teen tell their mom or dad that kids are having sex in the bathroom, or that a friend just told her that she had an abortion, or what it’s like to live your faith in a culture increasingly hostile to Christianity?

If the parent’s instinct is to turn every conversation into a life lesson, they might miss the opportunity to give their teen what they need the most - a safe place to turn. We are our children’s allies, but if they can’t be honest about the challenges they face they carry their burdens alone or, worse, make critical decisions unaided.

We have to listen first and freak out later so we can point our teens to a God who will walk with them no matter what they encounter. God is relevant in today’s society. He’s not afraid of tough issues, nor should we be.

The Benefits

Understanding these roadblocks helps us take conversation with our teens to a deeper level. Talking with teens is not one-dimensional. They have a lot to offer! Deeper conversations allow teens to get to know you as well, to hear what you think and to allow you to share ideas. Developing strong communications skills take work and time, but the gift received is the ability to see each other in a whole new light - not just as mom or dad, son or daughter, teen or adult, but as people.

source site: click here

learning how to communicate with your teens

Ready for a Good Fight?

Every good fight must have a plan. Ask yourself these questions as you work through the conflict with your teen.

1. What is the real issue?

2. What do you hope to accomplish? Write down up to three specific things that you hope your teen will understand when the conversation is ended.

3. Reserve a time for you and your teen to talk. Remember that conflict resolution does not occur in the heat of the moment.

4. Share two or three specific actions that your teen can take.

5. Leave out any “you always” or “you never” statements. (This applies to both you and your teen.)

6. Ask your teen if there are positive and realistic steps that you can take to help resolve the issue.

7. The goal is not to defend your positions (don’t make it personal), but to deal with the real issues that affect both of you.

8. If it starts to degenerate, agree to leave on good terms and try again later.

9. End on a positive note. Write down one positive thing that your teen has done recently. Affirm your teen by sharing that positive trait or action.

10. Let them know that you love them and are committed to working through the problem together.

source site the same as the article directly left.

Family Communication is Possible by Trusting Your Teen
by Alicia Bowyer
 
Talking to teens and family communication is very important while raising your family. What's interesting is that your teen wants to communicate with you as much as you want to communicate with them. Make as much time as possible to do this so you know what is happening in your teens life.

You want to be able to trust your teenagers while they're not with you. You also want your teen to talk with you about things they're going through and for them to come to you when they have questions. Trusting your teen could open the lines of communication with them.

What exactly is trust and how can it be a door for family communication? As parents we are working toward teaching our child to no longer need us. In an effort to help them grow and mature, we expect that we will be able to count on them to be honest with us, that they will do what they say they will, and that they will treat us with respect. The interesting thing is that these are the same things teens want to know about us.

We have to be able to trust our child, their judgment, and their decision-making process before we feel we can truly let them go and believe they will be successful. Unfortunately, being lied to, let down, or allowing fear of the unknown to take hold makes us wonder if our trust was misplaced.

Have we proven ourselves trustworthy as our children have grown up? How many times did we tell them we'd be at a play or basketball game only to be detained, without fault of our own? That erodes their trust in us just as sneaking out of the house to go to a party erodes our faith in them.

Realize that both parents and teens will make mistakes when it comes to being completely trustworthy. That doesn't mean you give up on the relationship and never trust again. You start out and slowly rebuild the trusting relationship you both want and need.

Even if trust has been broken you need to keep the lines of family communication open. Don't yell and belittle one another to try to make them see your point. Sit down and calmly talk about what happened, how things could have been handled differently, and what must occur to rebuild that trust.

Just as you expect your teen to be honest with you about what they're doing, where they've been, and who they've been with, they need you to be honest with them as well. Don't make promises you may not be able to keep. Talking to teens and listening to what they have to say more than you telling them what you think you know will help you with family communication.

Your teen needs to know that you trust them to make good decisions. Give them more responsibilities or freedom, a little at a time, to help them learn some of what will be expected of them as an adult. Let them know that you're honestly not trying to make their life difficult, you're trying to teach them the value of being trustworthy which will be of the utmost importance for their future.

While trusting your teen can open the lines of family communication, so can love. Be sure to show your child that no matter how they slip up or what they do that you'll always love them. Let them know that they can come to you regardless of the situation. They need to know that you'll listen to them, and not judge. You are their parent and you love them.

Talking to teens may be difficult at times but remember that you were a teenager once. Try and remember the things that you went through when you were a teenager and how difficult the transition was from childhood to adulthood. Keep these memories in mind while talking to your teen. Family communication of any kind is worth the effort!


Author's Bio
Alicia Bowyer is a Certified Family Manager Coach and is passionate about providing
tips for moms to succeed at the most important job they will ever have. Alicia equips moms with the help and advice they need using the Family Manager concept of adopting the skills and strategies successful business managers use to create a smoothly running home.

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