  
By T. Suzanne Eller
Guest Columnist
CBN.com
Today, Suzanne gets real
about developing a safe place for your teen. It may seem that everyone and everything else is more important to your teen, and yet teens ultimately say that family is the number one influence on their life.
***
Developing Your Family Cluster
Question: How would you define
family?
Real Quote:
"A place where a child can
feel safe and loved." Heather Y., Age 18
Rather than define family
as a mom, dad and siblings, teens overwhelmingly define family as love, a feeling, or an environment. To a teen, family means that each member has the opportunity to be nurtured. Family is where members can turn when they need guidance or comfort. It’s a place that each person can strive for excellence without having to be perfect.
Real Quote:
"A family is a loving environment, whether it is real parents or aunts or another family." Michelle H., Age 17
The cluster has taken a prominent
place in teenagers’ lives because they gravitate to those who accept them. A cluster is defined as a group of three to five people who will accept you for who you are. These are the people that you can count on and with whom your presence is always welcome.
Having a cluster is more important than gaining the approval of the majority of their peers. If family isn’t functioning, the cluster becomes a teen’s family. If teens do
not feel welcome in their churches, their youth groups, or families, they will leave - physically or emotionally - to find
a cluster that does work for them.
At one time the home was a
family cluster. Unfortunately teens don’t always find that in the home. We live in a society where the strength of families
is often fractured. This change in their culture is one of the reasons that youth are wide open to relationships, even shallow ones.
If you are reading this column,
it is likely that you want to strengthen the bond and ties with your teen. Loving your teen unconditionally is a vital element. Creating a family cluster is another. But how do you become your teen’s
cluster?
Does it mean that you drop
the role of parent and become your teen’s best friend? No. Your teen has friends, but he needs you as a parent. Parents offer boundaries and structure. Parents provide discipline, encouragement, and guidance.
Real Quote:
"If parents want
to help kids to not feel lonely, they can love us and prove to us that we’re loved and accepted for who we are. They can let us know that we don’t have to change to get our parents’ love. That’s what I need anyway." Janelle T., Age 16
The concrete in forming a
cluster is consistent love. It is affirming their value to you. It is believing in them when they can’t even believe in themselves. It is also consistent boundaries, family guidelines, and reasonable consequences all built on a foundation of unconditional love.
But what about my teen?, you
ask. She doesn’t need us. She has her friends. We aren’t even a blip on the radar screen of her life. Do you remember being dared in elementary
school? Someone challenged you to do something that seemed impossible, and you stepped up to the plate to prove that you were capable. Teens are hoping that their parents will dare to believe in them.
Real Quote:
"If my parents could do one
thing to impact my faith it would be to act like Jesus would, even if it felt weird." Jessica L., Age 14.
Look beyond the obvious. Teens
are looking for someone to see his or her potential. Teens want Mom and Dad to see their hearts and to believe with them that they are people of value. They are looking for a safe place.
At times, parenting is frustrating and discouraging. I’ve had moments when I confessed to God that I had no clue. Yet God is faithful. He helps us when we are unsure. He helps us to dare to believe that our children will become what God intended from the very beginning. He gives us the strength to love our teens in the same way that He loves us.
He helps us to create an environment
where we love and accept each other, as we work to create a strong, healthy family.
Make It Real
1. If you were to describe
your family, what words would you use? Is your family close? Are you fun loving? Are your relationships built on genuine love and respect? Would you describe your family as alienated? Angry? Embattled? Autonomous? It’s time to be honest. Write down five words that describe your family.
2. Using what you’ve written
above, pray in specific terms. Praise God for the positive traits in your family and in each family member. Ask for God’s help in the exact areas that need his intervention.
Living and Learning with Teens
By Michelle Barone, M.A., M.F.T.,
Every stage of your child's life brings both joys and challenges.
Living and learning with a teenager is no different. There are days with challenges, life has challenges. There are days filled
with joy, life has joy. Living and learning with teens will bring much joy to your family. If you can begin to understand
what the world looks and feels like from the perspective of the teen, you can reduce the challenges.
Take a moment to think about what teens need. You may not know
exactly, so first, let go of any preconceived notions you have about teens. Some that I hear a lot are:
- Teens are rebellious
- Teens need to push parents away to grow and mature
- Teens don't like being with adults
- Teens are lazy
- Teens are irresponsible
- If he/she doesn't get disciplined now, life is going to be
very hard
Let's remember that a teenager's brain is growing as rapidly
as it did in the first two years of life. The brain is both growing and pruning. This accounts somewhat for the extra need
for sleep, the moods that switch with little warning, the tone of the voice and the misinterpretation of parents looks, tones and feelings. Teens need parents to help them balance the rapid
changes and create an environment that supports these changes.
Homeschooling your teen, is a perfect way to meet your teens
changing needs.
Here is a simple way to help keep you on track:
- Time
- Exploration
- Encouragement
- Nurturing
T: Time — Teens
need time with family, friends and plenty of time to explore. As the parent you have to be available to your teen
with your time and energy. This truly means being able to get teens where they need to be. Being the driver and helping coordinate
transportation lets your teen know that you are giving of your time and supporting their needs. Especially younger teens (13-16)
need to feel supported in this way. No one is fully available all the time, but it is your job to help and support.
Time to listen and be fully present. It takes time to sit while you hear the whole story
about something, especially something that doesn't fully interest you. But take the time, listen to the ins and outs of a
friend situation, getting to the next level on a game, a dream they had the other night, their desires and goals. Use this
time to LISTEN to give full attention, without being on computer, watching a TV show or cleaning. (Although
sometimes doing dishes or outside work can provide an environment where communication flows.) The car can also be a good place.
Just a tip, be prepared, late at night is a time that many teens will want to talk.
Time to have fun with your teen. Many teens become interested in activities that you might
not have interest in, or are new to your family. SUSPEND judgement, and learn about the interest and activity.
This doesn't have to be something you fall in love with but you can have fun by watching your teen having fun with it, or
by participating on some level.
In my family this became auto racing, in all its forms, and I spent a fair amount of time watching races,
going to races, learning about racing, and for a summer watching him race (not at all comfortable). His
interest has waned, but I still peek at a race every now and again. With my other child it was musical theater in all of its
forms, and that was much easier for me to fully "get it." The time I feel I invested in fully being with my kids as they explored
these interests have created some wonderful experiences and memories.
E: Exploration — Name of the game for living and learning
with teens. Teens brains thrive on challenge and new experiences, and actually need new and novel experiences for development.
This is a time to explore new experiences, new foods, cultures and ideas. I mentioned above about embracing your teen's interests
and the importance of time supporting these interests.
Embrace the idea of exploration and the "testing" of things out through experimenting. Exploring
and experimenting, takes many forms such as a new style of dress, a new look, and new interests. Some of what hooks them can
be a life-long passion, or a short lived experience. All are valuable and widen the teen's view of the world and understanding.
This is the time many explore different religions, food choices, lifestyles, they may assertively
reject what they have always known for a while. Many become very connected to a cause that speaks to them or politically active.
This is also a good time to travel both with your teen and without. Much can be learned from traveling and stretching your
comfort zone, and we can be open to seeing the experiences through our teens eyes.
E: Encouragement — Encouragement from you, knowing that
you value and believe in them. Encouragement is experienced by teens more by what you do, then what you say. Teens, despite
some common myths, still do want to please their parents and feel their approval. You are their cheering section, although
you don't have to jump up and down.
You encourage by supporting them with time and your interest. You listen and support when
they have disappointments, are hurting, are confused. You connect to their competency. You let them know that they will be
okay when things aren't always working out. You show them by being at performances, games, helping them when they are stuck
on writing a paper, or having trouble with another adult.
Parents must become adept acrobats in the balance of holding the space of safety so your
teen can try and fail and try and succeed. They must feel and know that you are on their side.
N: Nurturing: Nurturing for both physical and emotional well being. Everyone needs to be nurtured. Teens sometimes push away physically but that doesn't mean that they don't want some physical contact. They
are changing so fast and can be feeling confusion about wanting to feel grown up and wanting to sit in our laps or lay their
heads on our shoulders. Take any opportunity you can to make physical contact.
When they come
to your room late at night and ask, "what are you doing" just gently invite them in and soon they will be sitting on the bed
talking. For families who watch TV this can be a time to enjoy a show together and talk about whatever comes up. Laughing
together, playing games, watching a movie or show can all feel nurturing and supportive.
Emotional nurturing
has an extra piece to remember - keep as much neutrality as possible. That means when your teen is talking with you, sharing
ideas, feelings, experiences, stay as non-judgmental as you can. This is the time to listen and reflect. Keep some of your
thoughts to Yourself. Be curious with teens to get more information.
There is plenty
of time to share you thoughts, feelings and values. Begin a dialogue where there is sharing without judgment. Making room
for all opinions while setting limits when necessary, teaches teens that they are valued.
Help everyone
get their needs met when possible. There are going to times when you set a limit and your teen will be angry or disappointed, but with connection
and regular respectful communication a healthy relationship can stay intact.
As we support
our teens, we must remember to support ourselves. As parents we need to have friends who allow us to share our joys and challenges without judgment. We need activities that keep us connected to our passions and interests. We need time to nurture ourselves and our adult relationships. More than anything our teens watch what we do, so treat yourself well
and model what you desire for your teen.
source site: click here
40 Ways to Show Your Teen You Care
by Audrey Pihulyk
1. Communicate openly and frankly with them
2. Cherish their
input
3. Give them your full attention when they do open up, maintaining eye contact
4. Be interested in what interests
them
5. Remember that each child is unique
6. Do your best to attend their sports games and special events
7. Find
ways to make them feel special
8. Realize that life is not simple for teens
9. Be as transparent as possible; you can
be honest about your own needs
10. Understand that they will swing between dependence and independence
11. False starts,
mistakes, poor judgment, or impulsive action are part of growing up
12. Be aware of your own growth; as you grow, you will
be more able to understand your teen’s growth
13. Let them naturally gravitate more toward their friends than to
you
14. Make time for them
15. Cherish the time they do spend with you and tell them so
16. Be humble enough to admit
when you have overreacted or made a mistake
17. Teens have their own mind, so their difficult behavior is not always a
reflection of you
18. Teens need a significant degree of autonomy and need your support with their choices
19. Suggest
better behavior when they do act out
20. Welcome their suggestions
21. Patience is a virtue, tolerance is not
22.
When you believe in them they will flourish
23. Give them their private time when they need it
24. Unconditional love
is essential
25. Praise produces more than criticism
26. Accept their feelings
27. Expect their best; expecting perfection
can lead to lifelong problems
28. Let them communicate their needs and try to meet them
29. Be consistent with discipline;
they want boundaries, but will not admit it
30. Compliment with honesty
31. Model the importance of values
32. Open
your home to their friends
33. Get to know the crowd they are running with
34. You can help them set realistic goals
and expectations
35. Keep the promises you make
36. It is important to let them know when you are overwhelmed and that
it is not their fault
37. A child that feels loved, expresses love
38. Still accept them when they are acting out
39.
You are your child’s role model
40. Affirm them as often as possible
Remember, it is a natural progression
of life for teenagers to want to develop their independence, to not want rules, and not listen to your sage advice. They want
to make their own mistakes … this is how they learn. If they do not seek their independence, they may live with you
the rest of their lives. Not a pleasant or healthy thought! If you are concerned about this … place a sign on their
bedroom door: “Checkout is 18!”
Remember, life begins when the dog dies and the kids move out of the home!
Happy
Parenting
Author's Bio
Audrey Pihulyk is Nurse Audrey, the “stress specialist” and
practical nurse, who brings you stress relief through her speaking, writing and entertaining. Her audiences say the she is
“real”, what you see is what you get! When it comes to stress and balancing your life - Nurse Audrey has been
there and done that! Discover how to de-stress by checking out her CD: Surviving & Thriving On Stress found at: nurseaudrey.com/resources. While you are there read the Blogs where you will find ideas on how to balance your life more
effectively.
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Nurturing Cooperation Among Siblings
One
of the most persistent struggles parents encounter is the battles that occur between siblings. Many parents feel frustrated because their efforts to nurture a cooperative environment in the home are thwarted by constant bickering and fighting among siblings. Here are the essential
tips that will allow you to establish sanity in your home….whether there are two or ten kids driving you crazy.
1. It isn’t fair.
Stop trying to make things fair. Stop trying to figure out what’s
really fair. Stop negotiating around issues of fairness, and trying to sort out what is fair for one versus the other.
In reality, we can all find many examples where life is not fair. From your children’s perspective,
it will not behoove them to beat the “it’s not fair” drum.
If
you give too much energy to this constant complaint, your kids will learn to always make this excuse and they will constantly
see the world through these eyes.
I encourage you to explain to the kids that life
is not fair, that you will do your best, but you won’t negotiate or discuss this topic any more.
2. Whoever is involved, you both suffer the consequences.
Regardless
of the situation, don’t get into trying to figure out who did what. This will only drive you into insanity as the kids
get older.
Instead, if you are going to step into a sibling issue, do so with authority
and a clear consequence.
Make sure that the consequence is felt equally by both
siblings. No discussion. Just the consequence. On a practical level, take away the video game if they are going to fight over
it. Remove the toy if they can’t share.
And if it’s really ugly between
them, don’t try to figure out who started it…send both to time out.
Your
goal here is to reflect more of reality for your kids. In real life, very seldom will someone really try to figure out who
started “it.” Instead, it’s likely that they will both suffer the consequences. You will be amazed at what
a powerful learning process this is for your kids.
3. Nurture a sense of shared cooperation.
Create an environment where the children understand that their fate is shared through a cooperative
effort. Expand their awareness of how their future together will be enlarged if they cooperate.
In addition, purchase toys, and engage the children in sports that require mutual participation. If it requires
two to play tennis, then it becomes mutually beneficial to learn how to support each other remaining on the tennis court.
4. Cultivate your interest when children are cooperating.
Make certain that you notice when there is cooperation. Give them a smile or a wink. Make sure that you are
giving energy to times when the kids are actually getting along. We usually do this the other way around, and devote most
of our energy to the problem moments. The secret to nurturing a cooperative home where kids get along well is to make sure
that cooperation gets more of your energy than anything else.
If you stick to these
fundamentals, I think that you’ll see that your home can become a more peaceful and loving environment. If it feels
as if the sibling conflicts in your home are more severe, and you need more detail and precision, you may want to go to my
website at www.terrificparenting.com. You’ll find a program entitled “The Sibling Solution”. In it, I detail
a specific program that walks you through a step by step process that will bring relief to even the most difficult situation
in your home.
As you make changes however, keep in mind that significant changes may take anywhere between four and six weeks…..particular when dealing with sibling issues. During that time, become
impeccable in your own behavior, and pay close attention to these guidelines. Make sure that you don’t end up squabbling
and arguing with your children about their squabbling. This will only make things worse.I look forward to hearing
from you about the benefits of this approach. If you have any questions please email me at DrCale@TerrificParenting.com. Dr.
Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for
a host of parenting concerns. His Web site, www.TerrificParenting.com,, offers free parenting guidance and an e-mail newsletter.
Healthy Families
By: Michelle Gottlieb, MFCC One
of the most important components of a healthy society is a healthy family. But what are the components of a healthy family?
Several things go into creating a family relatively free of dysfunction.
The first is healthy communication. Communication
that is not steeped in blaming. Communication that is open and accepting. Communication where the family can sit and talk
together without fear of reprisals.
Which leads into the
second component: respect. We need to respect all members of the family no matter how old or young. Each member brings something
special and unique to the family. So, we need to appreciate and hear every member.
Another, hopefully obvious, component
is love. With love, comes affection, but affection that is healthy and does not cross any boundaries. It is vital that all
members of the family can receive affection that is not tainted with any inappropriate messages.
There
are many other components, but the last that I will discuss today is liking all the family members. Now, I do not mean liking
every family member constantly. We do not always like every member
of our family all the time. But in a healthy family, we like all the different members most of the time.
You may have
other ideas to add to this list. Please do. But please look at this and discuss it with your family so that all of you can
live in a family that is healthy, safe and nurturing. Now, that will create a healthy society.
Creating Family Talk Time
by Sue Atkins, the Official Guide To Teenagers and Parenting
I have recently been coaching a local group of parents on
their philosophy to life and their general family ethos. I asked them to think about things that were important to them in
life like their values, their beliefs and their principles because parents who know what they feel strongly about pass these
values easily and clearly on to their children and family life becomes much easier.
It’s not something many parents
do naturally but I feel it really helps you to gain clarity, direction and confidence in planning the destination of your
parenting as it helps you to stay focused on the bigger picture to your job as a parent and keeps you out of what I call the
“socks and pants” of life – the humdrum and the trivial!
Grab a piece of paper and a coffee and write
down what you stand for, what’s important to you and what principles you believe are important in life. Get really clear
about them. You may be really surprised.
Now ask yourself:
• What are my guiding
principles to life - what things are important to me like honesty, integrity, determination, kindness, the ability to finish
a task, being considerate of others, working hard, doing well at school, telling the truth, keeping my body fit and healthy?
And then ask yourself
• What values would I like to pass onto my children?
Your Parenting Values
1.______________________
2.______________________
3.______________________
4.______________________
5.______________________
6.______________________
7.______________________
8.______________________
9.______________________
10._____________________
Now
give each of these values a score of 1-10 - 10 being your most important and 1 the least of your values and think about how
you are honouring these values in your life right now.
Just take a few moments to think how you pass on your values
- how do you pass them on in your words, in your actions or in the way you talk to your kids? Do you talk about being patient
and tolerant but scream at the driver who cuts you up at the roundabout?
What can you do differently or remember to
say to yourself to remind yourself that you are always a role model?
From gaining clarity on the destination to your parenting
it is a natural step in thinking about how you pass these principles on to your kids. And when I work with parents I often
encourage them to have regular family chats that have a purpose, because family chats or "family meetings" are a great way
to sort out the usual ups and downs of family life as they help you all go in the same direction together and help get things
out in the open.
Getting your kids involved too is a great opportunity to make them feel part of the decision making
process at home as having fun creating solutions to family niggles provides a real incentive for everyone to co-operate.
If
you're interested in trying this “family chat time” idea here are some ways to organise yourselves:
Tips
1.
Develop a set of simple "Family Chat Time Rules" at your first meeting and be sure to write them down so everyone is clear
about what to expect - things like not shouting at each other or taking turns to listen.
2. Have the family chat time
meeting at the same time and place each week or month as this builds routine and expectations and nips niggles in the bud
before they build up and get out of proportion.
3. Make sure that all your family members are present and have a chance
to be heard so no one feels left out.
4. It's often a good idea to put all decisions from the meeting in writing and
have everyone sign the sheet when the meeting ends to show their commitment to what's been talked about and agreed - get one
of the kids to design it on the computer!
5. Keep the meeting positive and have rules against disrespectful behaviours
such as interrupting, insulting, or yelling or laughing at other people's suggestions. Teach the energy of respect.
6.
Avoid distractions - so turn off the TV and radio, take the phone off the hook etc. so you can relax and enjoy chatting together.
Remember
the whole point of the chat or family meeting has a purpose which is to spend constructive, quality time discussing the concerns
and issues which need to be addressed. So think of it like a business meeting but with a far more relaxed atmosphere - and
plan an agenda.
An agenda helps you to discuss progress, problems, and changes over the week as it keeps you focused and
not hijacked by what crops up.
• It helps you to discuss your family niggles or issues openly and helps you to decide
on all the possible solutions.
• It encourages each family member to feel part of the family and able to contribute
in some way.
• It also allows you to chat about the roles and expectations of each member of the family and how you
all fit together as a team.
• It's also a place to sort out your plans and activities for the coming week so no
one feels left out or doesn't know what everyone else is up to
• It's a great place to look at how the jobs in the
house are getting done and who does what – and to make sure everyone is pulling their weight.
• It's also a
good place to discuss your family rules and the consequences for breaking them.
• Finally it's a good place to relax,
catch up and have fun together so set aside time just for that or you may even like to play a game together.
If you’re
not sure about what to talk about here are some suggestions for topics that are really fascinating to explore with your whole
family either once week, once a month or now and again - whatever suits the rhythm and style of your family.
Self-esteem
•
What is it that makes you special?
Get everyone around the table to think of one or two things that are special about
each family member and to tell them out loud and just enjoy watching everyone’s face light up.
• What is it
about yourself that you are most proud of this week or this month?
We don’t often pat ourselves on the back so this
is a wonderful opportunity to do this amongst people who love you and support you.
• What special talents or abilities
do you have?
This is also a safe place to celebrate things each person is good at and to help them to see what talents
and abilities they have from being kind, to playing the piano.
• Tell each family member what you appreciate most
about them.
This family chat is wonderful for building true self esteem amongst the whole family and keeps everyone motivated and positive
throughout the week or month and helps everyone to celebrate their strengths and their uniqueness.
Managing your anger
or frustration at home
This issue is a very common one for most families so this is a good place to start.
• What
do you do when you feel annoyed or angry with someone in the family - what could you do instead?
Give examples of a couple
of techniques that work for you - counting to 10, pressing an imaginary pause button, leaving the room to cool off for a moment,
hitting some golf balls in the garden, punching a pillow !
• Talk about times that you could use these techniques
to help you control your temper and frustration healthily.
• Talk about times when you did use some of these techniques
to calm down and how it went and what was good about using them.
• Talk about some new ways you could all try this
week to make a change.
Focus for the week
Sit down with your family this week around the kitchen table and have a chat
about some of the ideas for setting up house rules and positive ways to talk together about niggles, worries or problems.
Explain that you'd like to help the atmosphere in the house to improve and run more smoothly and you'd like their input and
suggestions.
Ask each member of your family to think of at least one house rule that would make life at home easier and
to write it down. Then put them all up somewhere where everyone can see them clearly and easily - maybe one of your children
would like to design something on the computer to make the rules look interesting and colourful.
Then arrange another
chat the following week at the same time to see how it's all going. (Regular times are always a good idea so you don't forget
to do it!)
Families who value spending time with their children talking and listening and doing things together build
up trust, respect and an easy way to pass on their values which strikes me as a simple but really important way to help you
build up and bond your family together.
Author's Bio Sue Atkins is a Parent Coach and Author and for more practical tips and ideas
about "Family Chat Time" take a look in Chapter 8 of her book "Raising Happy Children for Dummies" one in the famous black
and yellow series. She has written many books on self esteem, toddlers and teenagers and has a collection of Parenting Made
Easy Toolkits available from her website. To find out more about her work and to receive her free monthly newsletter packed
full of practical tips and helpful advice for bringing up happy, confident, well-balanced children go to www.positive-parents.com
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